Yesterday was one of those days where I just really wanted my eating disorder back. Now, it might sound strange because I absolutely love my life right now, so why would I want that horrible monster back? It doesn’t always have to make sense, but it is a common feeling. Luckily, these days are few and far between and I can recognize that I still need to fight, even if I don’t want to.
I woke up filled with anxiety, discouragement, and a sense of worthlessness. Nothing that I can pinpoint happened to trigger this, I just woke up with these overwhelming feelings.
Now, since I was I child, I’ve held all my worries and stress in my stomach, which has caused stomachaches. It’s always made eating difficult, but adding an eating disorder on top of it has been quite challenging. It has come to my awareness that I’ve been using my stomach aches as an excuse to let my eating disorder sneak back in, so I’ve been trying to be diligent about eating despite these feelings – which is definitely easier said than done.
Yesterday proved to be another challenging day with my stomach. I mentally knew that I was “emotionally full” and not physically full, however that didn’t change the mental battle all day.
I have been trying to spend quite time with God everyday where I just sit in silence with him and do some deep breathing. It has been so helpful to prevent my anxiety from building up. I was able to do this for five minutes yesterday, but boy was that one of the longest five minutes!! I truly believe that God can heal my anxiety and it was much better after praying about it. The thoughts still came and went all day, but they were manageable.
I have also been working on not setting expectations for my day. I know that with recovery each day will be different. I will have really good days and really bad days, but each day is a new day. If I have a good day I try to embrace it, and if I have a bad day I can simply use it as information on what I need to work on.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally content about having a bad day. It still really sucks and I wish it didn’t have to happen. My actions aren’t perfect – I skipped my afternoon snack because I was just too full of anxiety.
Despite feeling like this all day, I did have a very sweet ending to my day and went to bed smiling…
In the evening I met up with a friend to spend some one on one time with her. It was long overdue, but came at just the right time. We planned to meet at Starbucks for coffee and go for a walk, which my eating disorder was very happy about. I was determined to get a decaf Americano and walk off all my guilt from the day. My eating disorder didn’t even want to think about the possibility of food. I was done. I couldn’t do it.
God had a different plan for my night.
I quickly learned that Starbucks wasn’t the only place to get coffee, West Chester also has a coffee and ice cream bar. Of course, I don’t WANT ice cream, but I do want it and I want to enjoy the company of my friend. We try some samples and eventually settle on the flavor we want: vanilla for me, and cookies & cream for her. I stare down at my cup of ice cream with fear, but also joy: I get to walk around town with my friend eating ice cream. It sounds so normal. “Ok, I suppose you can afford this. It can be your snack and it also makes up for afternoon snack,” my eating disorder allows me to have this, but nothing more.
We walk outside and my friend looks at me and asks if I am up for some free samples of cookie dough. “NO NO NO,” my eating disorder shouts at me, but my healthy self replies, “Of course I am!” We walk to another shop that sells cookie dough like ice cream. In line she asks if I want to share a cookie with her. I immediately answer NO, then I stop and think: This is what I am recovering to. I want to be able to go out with friends to get ice cream and share a cookie. I want to be able to do this in my life. So I change my answer and agree to share a cookie.
Afterwards, we walk around town eating ice cream and cookies and sharing our life stories with one another. It helped my eating disorder that we were walking, but it was a slow walk and I was definitely more present in our conversation than I was in worrying about the calories I was burning.
God has placed such amazing people in my life and given me the exact support I need at the right time. I left the night with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. It was a sweet ending to my day.
I woke up filled with anxiety, discouragement, and a sense of worthlessness. Nothing that I can pinpoint happened to trigger this, I just woke up with these overwhelming feelings.
Now, since I was I child, I’ve held all my worries and stress in my stomach, which has caused stomachaches. It’s always made eating difficult, but adding an eating disorder on top of it has been quite challenging. It has come to my awareness that I’ve been using my stomach aches as an excuse to let my eating disorder sneak back in, so I’ve been trying to be diligent about eating despite these feelings – which is definitely easier said than done.
Yesterday proved to be another challenging day with my stomach. I mentally knew that I was “emotionally full” and not physically full, however that didn’t change the mental battle all day.
I have been trying to spend quite time with God everyday where I just sit in silence with him and do some deep breathing. It has been so helpful to prevent my anxiety from building up. I was able to do this for five minutes yesterday, but boy was that one of the longest five minutes!! I truly believe that God can heal my anxiety and it was much better after praying about it. The thoughts still came and went all day, but they were manageable.
I have also been working on not setting expectations for my day. I know that with recovery each day will be different. I will have really good days and really bad days, but each day is a new day. If I have a good day I try to embrace it, and if I have a bad day I can simply use it as information on what I need to work on.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally content about having a bad day. It still really sucks and I wish it didn’t have to happen. My actions aren’t perfect – I skipped my afternoon snack because I was just too full of anxiety.
Despite feeling like this all day, I did have a very sweet ending to my day and went to bed smiling…
In the evening I met up with a friend to spend some one on one time with her. It was long overdue, but came at just the right time. We planned to meet at Starbucks for coffee and go for a walk, which my eating disorder was very happy about. I was determined to get a decaf Americano and walk off all my guilt from the day. My eating disorder didn’t even want to think about the possibility of food. I was done. I couldn’t do it.
God had a different plan for my night.
I quickly learned that Starbucks wasn’t the only place to get coffee, West Chester also has a coffee and ice cream bar. Of course, I don’t WANT ice cream, but I do want it and I want to enjoy the company of my friend. We try some samples and eventually settle on the flavor we want: vanilla for me, and cookies & cream for her. I stare down at my cup of ice cream with fear, but also joy: I get to walk around town with my friend eating ice cream. It sounds so normal. “Ok, I suppose you can afford this. It can be your snack and it also makes up for afternoon snack,” my eating disorder allows me to have this, but nothing more.
We walk outside and my friend looks at me and asks if I am up for some free samples of cookie dough. “NO NO NO,” my eating disorder shouts at me, but my healthy self replies, “Of course I am!” We walk to another shop that sells cookie dough like ice cream. In line she asks if I want to share a cookie with her. I immediately answer NO, then I stop and think: This is what I am recovering to. I want to be able to go out with friends to get ice cream and share a cookie. I want to be able to do this in my life. So I change my answer and agree to share a cookie.
Afterwards, we walk around town eating ice cream and cookies and sharing our life stories with one another. It helped my eating disorder that we were walking, but it was a slow walk and I was definitely more present in our conversation than I was in worrying about the calories I was burning.
God has placed such amazing people in my life and given me the exact support I need at the right time. I left the night with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. It was a sweet ending to my day.